


Reaping What You Sow

by still_lycoris



Category: X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Regret, Uncertain relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5582494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charles has a lot of regrets from the past. And there are some things that you can't really fix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reaping What You Sow

There are a lot of broken things to try and put back together after they get back from Washington.

Some things can be fixed quite easily. It’s not too hard to start getting the mansion back into shape, fixing up the damages, getting the grounds in order. That’s just money and Charles has plenty of that.

Other things are harder. Getting used to the voices in his mind when he’s trying to sleep. Getting used to the wheelchair again. He’s become used to quiet. Become used to being able to go wherever he wants without any difficulty. Neither of these things are possible now. But Charles knows he’ll get used to it in time. It’s already a little easier. It will get easier still.

But some things may not be so easily sorted. Some things may not be fixable at all.

Hank doesn’t really seem to think that anything between them needs fixing. He accepted Charles’s apology with a grace that Charles is pretty certain nobody else in the world could have matched. He is happy to stay at Charles’s side – and sometimes Charles wonders if _that_ is what needs fixing.

He has used Hank. He knows that. Used him shamelessly, callously and potentially cruelly. Not always on purpose, sometimes out of desperation and sickness and fear but that doesn’t change what it is. What he’s done. And whilst using Hank, he’s also tied Hank to him, tied him up in ways that he isn’t sure Hank is even aware of.

That’s the root of the problem, of course. How can Charles _know?_

He has had a position of power over Hank for a long time. He came into Hank’s life like a whirlwind, took him away from his previous life and into a new one, offered him family and acceptance and affection. For someone like Hank, someone who always felt isolated and alone … anybody could see it would be easy for Charles to trick him into loving him. The right words, the right level of affection … it’s so easy to make someone feel things that they might not have done before.

Not that he can be certain that’s what he did. He can’t even remember their first time together. He just woke up from a drunken binge to find Hank curled up in bed beside him, both of them naked and he knew exactly what had happened, even if he didn’t know how.

He still can’t remember, even now. Did he seduce Hank with nice words and touching and affection? Did he just go to him and grab at him and beg him to come to bed because he didn’t want to be alone that night? Did Hank really want it or did he just go along with it because he wanted to please Charles? Charles doesn’t remember. He’ll never remember. He wonders sometimes about reading Hank’s memory of it, seeing what happened … but he also knows that he never, ever will. It would be another violation and Charles feels there’s been enough of those. 

He wants to believe it was definitely consensual. That Hank wanted it that night. He’s certainly wanted it other nights, been happy to continue their relationship … but can Charles even be sure about that? It was him that made every move, after all. He that sought Hank out, kissed him and asked for it again … and yes, Hank responded and liked it and seems to want it but how can Charles trust for absolute certain that it’s truly, truly what Hank wants?

He doesn’t know. Because he can’t ever, ever know. Not for certain. Because Hank can’t truly know himself, now.

Charles knows that it isn’t a punishment. Life doesn’t work that way. There’s no cosmic balance sheet, no higher power that watches what you do. The good don’t always win, the evil isn’t always destroyed. And sometimes the good and evil blend together so well that it’s hard to tell the difference. You just have to live with it, grit your teeth and face the consequences of your actions. You reap what you sow.

He loves Hank. It’s complicated but then, what love isn’t? If he can make Hank happy, he will. And for as long as Hank wants him, Hank can have him. Charles will never be the one who ends what they share, no matter what else might happen. If Hank ever wishes for them to separate, Charles will let him go with love and best wishes and will hide any grief that he feels to make it easier for Hank to be happy.

It seems the only thing that he can do.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 12dayschristmas


End file.
